"i really hope i never become an alcoholic. it would suck to have to stop drinking."

"crying's no big deal. i mean, you can cry just from taking a shit, right?"

"dang, look at all those gay flags at that flag store. wait, i don't think that's a flag store. i think they're just suuuuuper gay."

"His military outfits are a bit Michael Jackson, a bit Cirque du Soleil."

"The waiter looks like Qadafi with Bozo hair sewn to his hat."

"they look cute but kinda fucked up. like a cat with ears."

followed with "dude, what kind of fucking cats have you been looking at?!"

"angels and magic, they're my two favorite things. i mean, aside from wrestling and wizards."

"i was in the bathroom thinking about the Spin Doctors, like I always do."

"the whole 'that's what she said' thing might be getting out of hand. last night i actually busted it out during sex."

"i was way wierder before i did all the drugs."

"Your butt is my everything."

"Then I decided to put a banana in the margaritas so I could have one as dinner."

i'll find a toilet to make out with you again.

Siouxzen, on why we don't make out.

"gimme $500k and i'll tell you what's on my mind."

ben's take on my business savvy

"my P was to close to my A."

literally...."that's what she said" re: the need to redo the address on a wedding invite.

that's true, I mean how complicated can butt surgery be on an infant?

"dude, that bush just morphed into a bouche!"

re: a commercial for a lady shaver with some suggestive topiary

"The future is me never having to stand up."

Umfufu is gonna be fat and atrophied in the future.

"hey, i'm a jew. i don't think ANYTHING works "perfectly"."

john stewart actually said this on the daily show, but i thought it was about as spot-on as a quote could possibly be so i had to document it.

"this is the raw-est beef jerkey i've ever had."

this was actually then followed by a discussion of how the strange jerkey was actually a "total score". then the group all thought raw-er jerkey would be a big seller and that we should market and sell jerkey in variations from raw to well-done.

"did you guys notice the guy in the paisley pajamas doing card tricks for people? he's also selling black market HP ink cartridges."

"when i was a kid i wanted to marry a fireman or a policeman, because i thought they wouldn't be home very much."

lesbian childhood optimism

"that's some sweaty-ass gymnast sex"

"when i first saw him, i thought he was a monkey. then he started speaking spanish and i thought "that's a smart fucking monkey!"

this was importantly preceeded by "i saw the smallest man in the world the other day".

"The last thing you want to do after a tough race is search for your balls."

Here is the whole quote, in all its glory: "You guys talk all tough, but when I was swimming in college, I'd have to compete in a size 26 or 28 speedo made out of special, non-flex material called a "paper suit." I'd often finish racing and have no idea where my balls were. Outside the suit? Inside the suit? In my chest? I'd always have to make sure they weren't exposed before I got out of the pool. The last thing you want to do after a tough race is search for your balls."

"Ah man, I have to get up early and do things with my groin. I'm not looking forward to that."

"you've seen every sausage that's gone into my mouth."

"all chicks on the subway in chicago after 2am have pictures of dicks on their phones."

"that's what i was telling you about earlier. remember, when i was putting sugar on my rice?"

"My mangina has really good taste."

"I can't believe how I lusted after her at 5 years-old. It's like my penis has an old soul."

"Forget about dancing. I want brain orgasm!"

"I'm gonna make his inner thighs my project."

"It's just a fact: You can't have a girlfriend AND a blog."

"If it always ended up being shallow, meaningless sex, I'd be MORE into it."

"I bled on an Indian man today."

"It's very gay, but it's good."

"Everybody was being really boring so I was like fuck this, I'm talking about Chicken Sausages."

"Nursing: it's the Filipino dream."

"i hate that guy. he's just like an un-educated, less charming version of me."

hey so what say we give this bad boy some new blood? i feel like we're slipping in our old age and maybe some new members will bring this back to life. how do i get new people access?

"I just followed my instincts. And my instincts told me cowbell."

"Fun always leads to sadness; it's the Jewish way."

"How come old-people from other cultures are so cool?"

"it's like having a gold medal in paedophelia."

"how are you doing honey?" "oh i'm fine. i've just been hallucinating colors and shapes and cartoon worlds to the soundtrack of 'Benny and the Jets'."

"The first two minutes of Kung Fu Panda, especially if you're seeing it for free, are totally worth the price of admission."

"i mean, you don't want a millipede to be a centipede."

justification for the swift mercy killing of a millipede that lost a few legs

"every artist has a bottle of pee somewhere in their studio."

"i bet chicks masturbate thinking about their weddings."

followed by an ecstatic "ooohh, my dress is gonna be soooo white!".

"nothing makes me happier than picking up an electric guitar, cranking it up to the max, and using it to praise god."

"Sorry, I can't multitask. If I could, I'd have a better job."

a stewardess on my flight

"he's the kind of guy that leaves that little "Windows" sticker on his laptop."

"working without a backup drive is as risky as fucking without a condom."

some brilliant jz wisdom

"She was android hot."

"It has everything you need: Nipples, flames, flowing exercise pants, girls watching..."

"My head is laden with heavy thoughts... I need some stupid ones in there."

"Yeah but it doesn't have to be like that... I mean, you can have a life AND play the oboe."

"There are only two things that are certain in life. One, that you will die. Two, that you have poop inside your body."

"This beginning for me is staring at metallic genitalia."

"what's with that guy holding the crutches.....RUNNING?!"

"You molest people in your sleep. Why wouldn't you molest yourself too?"

"Do you know if you need to get a permit to have a miniature horse?"

this was a conversation opener

"Socks. Kids always smell like socks, you know. Socks and plastic."

she's worked with children a lot, so i've got to take her word for it.

"you have a chimple." "what? no i don't!" "ok fine, it's just a little chindentation."

"it smelled like they took fifteen Spicy Italian's and rubbed them all over the floor."

"There was a rumor for a while that I might be one of those penises."

"Typically you don't have to pay meters on Sunday... Cause that's the day God rested."

"Ha ha, i get it, 'Will He Bang Her in the Chocolate Factory'. (pause) So is it like an anal film?"

"Today we are going to speak like adults." "Weawy?"

"You can't put a price-tag on anal pleasure. You either want something up your butt, or you don't."

That's right bitches! I'm Back!

Oh, are you sure? I had always thought Ooah was black.

Some chic to Krads at the Chinese New Year party in SF

"At first I wasn't going to give into the guy with the stump-arm. Then he started doing tricks with it. Now I wanna hang out."

"You can pretty much tell exactly how I'm doing by the size of my ass."

"if there's black chicks in the video.....it's pretty much a 50/50 that the hair will come off."

re: AFV

"hey, it worked for Wesley Snipes in "To Wong Foo'."

re: dressing like a woman

"a lot of people seem to say they "found" themselves through karaoke. they're usually big fat people or huge losers, but still."

"[Big sigh...] I think I store all my bad feelings in my butt."

"I would like to apply for you to shut the hell up."

"Let me see what I could do here... Oh, I could swizzle my cortex."

"i kissed your forehead to say goodbye, and it was like Whitney Houston onstage."

"That is a quality belt, my friend."

"Oh you're married? So would you eat your wife's placenta?"

"what IS that? it looks like he's wearing a plastic flower or a mini 'Simon Says' necklace."

she said this from afar, about one of those leather necklaces with a picture of Africa on them in yellow, red and green. the kind that like bbd rocked in '91.

"Tomatoes are obscene to me. They are like a sweaty whore."

"Nobody ever says anything good in Miami."

Sorry I have been absent! I was catching up on the posts and comments and this one killed me.

"maybe i'm crazy, but i fully believe that the desire to kill can be quelled by the sound of phil collin's voice."

"it had a head....it had a tail.....it was plus-sized."

"i'm afraid of parrots because they don't speak english diction."

"i'd be hanging out with Jin all day eatin' his fuckin' raw fish."

"Do you like having sex with bread? What if it's zucchini bread?"

"I love cornbread. I could take a nap in cornbread."

Does this train stop at Brokeback Mountain?

A particularly well dressed homeless man was asking.

"it's like no thanks, i really have no desire to see my own nude back while i'm taking a shit."

"Following that line of logic you should just cum into a glass every morning and drink it."

"I like your brutal disregard for these midgets. I had a sense you were good at what you do."

"I would totally play golf if I was here with the boys -- or my mom."

"I'm the only person who gains weight when he takes a shit."

"I wish I could do whatever I wanted to my body in public."

"he'd probably eat the wife. RAW."

re: an episode of "wife swap" involving a family on a raw food diet

"there was absolutely no delay in his aquisition of a crackhead."

this was in response to my contractor telling me that he was going to get a crackhead to move this huge pile of debris into a dumpster. he then walked out the door, and in less than 60 seconds (NO exaggeration) walked back around the corner....with a crackhead. who by the way then proceeded to kick ASS and do more work in 20 minutes than the whole rest of the team combined. life lesson: crackheads will move a LOT of huge metal and broken glass and concrete debris for you in record time for $20. and in miami they can apparently be found, on demand, in under one minute.

"kids are just like friends that you have to pay for everything for."

"They should have ice cream insurance."

After I repeatedly warned her that she was going to drop her scoop, she dropped her scoop. Then said she said this.

"crack cocaine WAS my pimp."

"Even if you fall down a hill, you gotta know, you could still get it on."

"i'm standing in a field of shit, yelling at an 11 year old driving a freakin' car!"

"There's a tasty snack inside my sack."

"It's not easy being Jesus."

"if i had a nickel for every time i farted, you guys would never see me."

"jesus would DO a line of coke before he'd LIE about doing a line of coke."

Theater is a weapon loaded with the future.

On a guy's shirt, un-ironically, at Sharky's

"A clean ass is worth a pair of shorts sometimes."

"i need another drugs."

"even if i was in prison i STILL wouldn't read the bible."

"i can categorically state that we have NOT released man-eating badgers in the city."

actual official press statement from a general in the british military

"My ultimate fantasy is to make love to the sound of your mother singing. In fact, I can't perform unless I hear her."

"My wife is an amazing butt wipe giver."

"All girls love soft-serve."

"I'm into some really complex cheese."

"Man, first thing's first: I'm starving! Where do you all want to eat? There's a CPK right down the road. Ya'll want CPK? How about you, Barbie?"

The quote is really just about getting to the woman's name at the end. Of course this was a family of really tan, bleach blond people.

"My dick is V.I.P. You're dick needs ID"

"I called your titty but I was really disappointed when no one answered."

from an iPhone, no less...

"(sigh of discontent)..nobody gives a SHIT about thanksgiving. at least I don't."

"It is a shame he's going to get his balls snipped off, because that boy was made for love."

Life can't be wine spritzers and tequila all the time.

"I like the way he's cupping the balls... very considerate."

"Babies and rappers get all the good beverage containers."

i.e., bottles with nipples and Pimp-Cups

"If sex was kung fu, they'd be all about dead fish style."

"Do you want a pocket full of jerky?"

"I'm going to my dentist right now to pick up a bag of horse shit."

"yo man, that's what i do, i take chicks and make 'em think they're DEAD."

the power of the deru.

"Apparently if you have something rotting inside your face, you smell fucking awful."

This is the follow-up to the "hambooger saga." Diagnosis: no hamburger in the nasal passage, just some allergies.

"I'm bored and I played with my nose too much."

She thinks she has a piece of hamburger from a bbq two weeks ago stuck up in there.

"i hate her because when she sings, she sounds like she's smiling; and i hate imagining anyone smiling."

"I don't consider myself to be a musician, and I definitely don't consider myself to be a jammer -- that's what they call them: jammers."

"I need to find a man with big hands that can just, like pound me."

Massage

"If I have kids I'm going to get them playing video games as early as possible so I don't have to raise them."

"Springtime rules. Them Vaginas get all hungry."

"Mom, this is Nasty, Nasty this is my mom."

"I understand the 5 dollar blow-job much more than I understand the 500 dollar blow-job."

"Hey do either of you guys have sisters?" "No, why?" "I grew up with sisters and I have certain olfactory senses. That girl is on her period."

"I don't know we made brownies. And I think we're dead. Time is moving really really really really slow."

"Do you think they sell cock-rings in here?"

"being stoned and planning in advance don't really go together."

You remember the movie 'Ghost', with Patrick Swayze? .... C'mon, it put 'Ditto' on the map.

"Eat this yes I killed him. Go go go go go. Eat your melted shit."

"Steven Segal is way into guitar."

Therapy is like a hand job for the soul.

One of the very few, yet very awesome emails I've received from my father in several years:

The razor I use that I am happy with is the Philips Norelco model 8150 XL, rechargable tripleheader cordless/cord razor, which uses replacement heads HQ9. I believe the difference in razors is the speed and the number of cutting blades in the razor heads. It was not cheap, but when you subtract the cost of regular blades and shaving cream, plus convenience, it has been worth it for me. Dad.

Accidentially slicing your woman with your toenail during sex just isn't cool.

"You should totally rename your company to 'United Fruit'"

"They need to have 'dirty vagina washer' on Dirty Jobs. Cause that's dirty."

"Nobody knows how to lick my balls like my brother."

"Can I ask you a question? Do you think being on a diet can affect your vagina?" "Oh, absolutely."

The things you overhear when you are the only guy in your exercise class...

"Babies can't really wear scarves cause they don't have necks." "What? WTF? babies are just one big neck! They sure as fuck can wear scarves"

"I'd cop a little anal feel if I was an alien."

"That guy is a bag of douche."

"This is where my dance-fighting has really paid off."

"It moisterises my situation and maintaines my sexy."

"Would Jesus let me pet the tiger?"

"Me, I'm a hampster person."

"It was like Shake 'N Bake, except with shit and a puppy."

I was talking to my mom about what it is like to give birth...

"I was talking to my mom about what it is like to give birth and she said it is like when you are having sex and you are about to come and your are going like crazy and then you come and you don't give a shit anymore."

"i don't trust anything with a hole on the top of its head. i mean, for real, where's the brian?!"

a woman who once wanted to marry flavor flav's take on dolphins.

[Creepy guy stares at girl's boots for a long time.] "Can I ask you something?" "No, you can't lick my boots." "Why?"

"How has Ryan Seacrest – I mean, how IS he Ryan Seacrest?"

"I don't think I catch your drift, but I like what you are saying."

"She was a hot chick, she just had nine fingers."

"There are more magicians than we realize."

"that's too sweet. i'm gonna eat this Take 5 bar instead."

"Don't you look at them titties. That time is over. No more tittie time for you."

my dog breeder to a weened pup

"Cancel all my appointments for tomorrow." "WHY?" "I've got someone sucking my dick and I'm on drugs." "You're crazy." "Yeah but it keeps me going."

(A career goal)

"hey you guys, somebody actually ordered those cajun fries."

it's really more the moment that counts, but it was fucking priceless.

"We are currently in the process of dumping salami."

"Oh my god, I'm so stoned." "Me too." "Let's swim over there and chill."

"...which is impossible when you have a stomach full of liquid via your ass."

"I'm wondering, could you please tell me how to be you?" "Well you have to be really neurotic, anxious, obsessive and perverted."

At Lunch: "Dude, I can smell your ankle."

"I saw a guy with a Radiohead bear tattoo." "I don't know, there are worse tattoos. Was it on his lower back?"

"Even if I could suck my own cock, I'm not sure I would."

"The period piece looks pretty good until he takes off his wig and it is business in the front and concerto in the back."

1984's "Amadeus"

"I screamed like a girl at this puppy face in the water."

don't laugh: otters bite, man. a lot.

"it's a 13 minute song about an 18th century maritime epic, and it doesn't even have an intro!"

i put my money on brian actually knowing what song this refers to...

"What are you guys doing in there?" "Just punching an invisible bag of marshmellows."

"He doesn't wear a cape." "Oh he wares a cape. Sometimes he even sleeps in it."

"If I could only have a monkey at the back of my chair, massaging me all day." "A monkey?" "Why not? They are strong."

(and then later...) "I need that damn monkey!"

"Then he started kicking his quantum physics game."

- hitting on a girl.

"We should be partners in a proctology business."

"It'll be like watching a surgeon... Perform an ass surgery."

"they're just trying to prove that even if you get mauled by a dog, you can still be successful."

"Dusty nipples are... Nobody likes a dusty nipple."

I know, I know. My last post was a nipple one too...

"Abraham is going to hook you up with the best moyle."

"The guy with the big nipple apparently has a gun. Anyway, I just thought you should know."

"What you need is a hot room where you can eat pie."

"It should be a life goal of mine to eat a puffin. Or at least part of one."

the bird, not the cereal

"I guess that is why it isn't called a Bed & Dinner."

During a bleak raiding of the pantry in a late check-in at a Bed & Breakfast. We ended up eating some granola with half & half. Not too bad, in the end.

"so after the cage match, they hugged?" "yeah. and they really seemed to mean it, too."

post g.l.o.w. wrap-up

SPURT/SPEW VALVE

some Engrish

"I hate his beard. It just looks like hair on his face. You know, not beard hair, just head hair."

I have enough to worry about as it is without getting the internet involved

my friend in santa cruz, the last remaining off-line person i know

"Apples and corn, together at last."

Korean Waldorf salad