[This quote is long, so read below. The scene: A dad attempts to "bond with" and/or rewire his obviously gay teenage son in a ski lodge. Poor kid.]

Dad: "There are a lot of cute girls here. You want me to point them out to you?" Pained silence from son, who just eats his lunch behind sunglasses, waiting for this nightmare to pass. Dad: "You know what you oughtta do on this trip? Gobble up a girl! You want me to fight them off for you?" Silence. Dad: "I'm gonna go bar-hopping with Marty and the guys, you wanna come? I bet you could meet a ton of girls. We could get one of those little bottles of alcohol and sneak it in so you can drink too." Son: "And where would you get one of these little bottles of alcohol?" Dad: "They sell them at the liquor store for just this purpose!" Son: "What purpose? For children?"

"i went from being the #1 six-year old swimmer in the country to being a janitor at a movie theater."

There are two paths in life. The regular path and the FUCK-YEAH path. I suggest you take the FUCK-YEAH path and move with me to the Bronx next year.

THE QUOTESBOOK

"I'm pissed at how pissed I would have been."

"Yeah I cut up a Cliff Bar and put it in some milk, what the hell is wrong with that?"

"The guy at Radio Shack had Doritos breath so bad I almost threw up. But then it kind of made me hungry for Doritos too."

it has been a while since you said this, umfufu -- sorry if i messed up the wording!

"I want morning wood. I want Sunday morning wood. I want freshly-shampooed Sunday morning wood."

Look at that girl in the ridiculous cape... it is perfect cape weather though.

"It is amazing. I can't even imagine my life before having kids." "That's how I feel about World of Warcraft."

"Sorry, I was distracted by a little red horse on your nipple."