"It really warms my heart to have my words that close to somebody's food."

"My favorite meat is steak."

"Does a blowjob in the morning mean your 'together'?" "In the morning? Oh yeah...definitely."

"what could you possibly have in your nose that i dont have in mine? i'm surprised you're still alive."

Dude, it's like Astroglide, but for your face!

"Well what's the equivalent of Nirvana in Scientology?" "The Academy Award."

"Get out your egg, and let's hit it."

"Do you want me to yell in your genitals, see how you like it?"

"If I end up teaching more I'm gonna need like 10 more dew-rags."

"They made a bunch of sequels, but with the Asian guy. Eric Roberts was too good for all of them."

"It looks like a walking black man's scrotum."

"What if your medicine was my penis?"