[Creepy guy stares at girl's boots for a long time.] "Can I ask you something?" "No, you can't lick my boots." "Why?"

"How has Ryan Seacrest – I mean, how IS he Ryan Seacrest?"

"I don't think I catch your drift, but I like what you are saying."

"She was a hot chick, she just had nine fingers."

"There are more magicians than we realize."

"that's too sweet. i'm gonna eat this Take 5 bar instead."

"Don't you look at them titties. That time is over. No more tittie time for you."

my dog breeder to a weened pup

"Cancel all my appointments for tomorrow." "WHY?" "I've got someone sucking my dick and I'm on drugs." "You're crazy." "Yeah but it keeps me going."

(A career goal)

"hey you guys, somebody actually ordered those cajun fries."

it's really more the moment that counts, but it was fucking priceless.

"We are currently in the process of dumping salami."

"Oh my god, I'm so stoned." "Me too." "Let's swim over there and chill."

"...which is impossible when you have a stomach full of liquid via your ass."

"I'm wondering, could you please tell me how to be you?" "Well you have to be really neurotic, anxious, obsessive and perverted."

At Lunch: "Dude, I can smell your ankle."

"I saw a guy with a Radiohead bear tattoo." "I don't know, there are worse tattoos. Was it on his lower back?"

"Even if I could suck my own cock, I'm not sure I would."

"The period piece looks pretty good until he takes off his wig and it is business in the front and concerto in the back."

1984's "Amadeus"

"I screamed like a girl at this puppy face in the water."

don't laugh: otters bite, man. a lot.

"it's a 13 minute song about an 18th century maritime epic, and it doesn't even have an intro!"

i put my money on brian actually knowing what song this refers to...

"What are you guys doing in there?" "Just punching an invisible bag of marshmellows."

"He doesn't wear a cape." "Oh he wares a cape. Sometimes he even sleeps in it."

"If I could only have a monkey at the back of my chair, massaging me all day." "A monkey?" "Why not? They are strong."

(and then later...) "I need that damn monkey!"

"Then he started kicking his quantum physics game."

- hitting on a girl.

"We should be partners in a proctology business."

"It'll be like watching a surgeon... Perform an ass surgery."