"If I have kids I'm going to get them playing video games as early as possible so I don't have to raise them."

"Springtime rules. Them Vaginas get all hungry."

"Mom, this is Nasty, Nasty this is my mom."

"I understand the 5 dollar blow-job much more than I understand the 500 dollar blow-job."

"Hey do either of you guys have sisters?" "No, why?" "I grew up with sisters and I have certain olfactory senses. That girl is on her period."

"I don't know we made brownies. And I think we're dead. Time is moving really really really really slow."

"Do you think they sell cock-rings in here?"

"being stoned and planning in advance don't really go together."

You remember the movie 'Ghost', with Patrick Swayze? .... C'mon, it put 'Ditto' on the map.

"Eat this yes I killed him. Go go go go go. Eat your melted shit."

"Steven Segal is way into guitar."

Therapy is like a hand job for the soul.

One of the very few, yet very awesome emails I've received from my father in several years:

The razor I use that I am happy with is the Philips Norelco model 8150 XL, rechargable tripleheader cordless/cord razor, which uses replacement heads HQ9. I believe the difference in razors is the speed and the number of cutting blades in the razor heads. It was not cheap, but when you subtract the cost of regular blades and shaving cream, plus convenience, it has been worth it for me. Dad.