"he'd probably eat the wife. RAW."

re: an episode of "wife swap" involving a family on a raw food diet

"there was absolutely no delay in his aquisition of a crackhead."

this was in response to my contractor telling me that he was going to get a crackhead to move this huge pile of debris into a dumpster. he then walked out the door, and in less than 60 seconds (NO exaggeration) walked back around the corner....with a crackhead. who by the way then proceeded to kick ASS and do more work in 20 minutes than the whole rest of the team combined. life lesson: crackheads will move a LOT of huge metal and broken glass and concrete debris for you in record time for $20. and in miami they can apparently be found, on demand, in under one minute.

"kids are just like friends that you have to pay for everything for."

"They should have ice cream insurance."

After I repeatedly warned her that she was going to drop her scoop, she dropped her scoop. Then said she said this.