"The future is me never having to stand up."

Umfufu is gonna be fat and atrophied in the future.

"hey, i'm a jew. i don't think ANYTHING works "perfectly"."

john stewart actually said this on the daily show, but i thought it was about as spot-on as a quote could possibly be so i had to document it.

"this is the raw-est beef jerkey i've ever had."

this was actually then followed by a discussion of how the strange jerkey was actually a "total score". then the group all thought raw-er jerkey would be a big seller and that we should market and sell jerkey in variations from raw to well-done.

"did you guys notice the guy in the paisley pajamas doing card tricks for people? he's also selling black market HP ink cartridges."

"when i was a kid i wanted to marry a fireman or a policeman, because i thought they wouldn't be home very much."

lesbian childhood optimism

"that's some sweaty-ass gymnast sex"