"Yeah but it doesn't have to be like that... I mean, you can have a life AND play the oboe."

"There are only two things that are certain in life. One, that you will die. Two, that you have poop inside your body."

"This beginning for me is staring at metallic genitalia."

"what's with that guy holding the crutches.....RUNNING?!"

"You molest people in your sleep. Why wouldn't you molest yourself too?"

"Do you know if you need to get a permit to have a miniature horse?"

this was a conversation opener

"Socks. Kids always smell like socks, you know. Socks and plastic."

she's worked with children a lot, so i've got to take her word for it.

"you have a chimple." "what? no i don't!" "ok fine, it's just a little chindentation."

"it smelled like they took fifteen Spicy Italian's and rubbed them all over the floor."