"if i had a nickel for every time i farted, you guys would never see me."

"jesus would DO a line of coke before he'd LIE about doing a line of coke."

Theater is a weapon loaded with the future.

On a guy's shirt, un-ironically, at Sharky's

"A clean ass is worth a pair of shorts sometimes."

"i need another drugs."

"even if i was in prison i STILL wouldn't read the bible."

"i can categorically state that we have NOT released man-eating badgers in the city."

actual official press statement from a general in the british military

"My ultimate fantasy is to make love to the sound of your mother singing. In fact, I can't perform unless I hear her."

"My wife is an amazing butt wipe giver."

"All girls love soft-serve."

"I'm into some really complex cheese."

"Man, first thing's first: I'm starving! Where do you all want to eat? There's a CPK right down the road. Ya'll want CPK? How about you, Barbie?"

The quote is really just about getting to the woman's name at the end. Of course this was a family of really tan, bleach blond people.

"My dick is V.I.P. You're dick needs ID"

"I called your titty but I was really disappointed when no one answered."

from an iPhone, no less...