Accidentially slicing your woman with your toenail during sex just isn't cool.

"You should totally rename your company to 'United Fruit'"

"They need to have 'dirty vagina washer' on Dirty Jobs. Cause that's dirty."

"Nobody knows how to lick my balls like my brother."

"Can I ask you a question? Do you think being on a diet can affect your vagina?" "Oh, absolutely."

The things you overhear when you are the only guy in your exercise class...

"Babies can't really wear scarves cause they don't have necks." "What? WTF? babies are just one big neck! They sure as fuck can wear scarves"

"I'd cop a little anal feel if I was an alien."

"That guy is a bag of douche."

"This is where my dance-fighting has really paid off."

"It moisterises my situation and maintaines my sexy."

"Would Jesus let me pet the tiger?"

"Me, I'm a hampster person."

"It was like Shake 'N Bake, except with shit and a puppy."

I was talking to my mom about what it is like to give birth...

"I was talking to my mom about what it is like to give birth and she said it is like when you are having sex and you are about to come and your are going like crazy and then you come and you don't give a shit anymore."

"i don't trust anything with a hole on the top of its head. i mean, for real, where's the brian?!"

a woman who once wanted to marry flavor flav's take on dolphins.