"never trust something that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die"

overheard by a co-worker who is on her period.

Inside a Volvo, earlier today...

"[Three guys singing together] You're the meaning in my life/ You're the inspiration!" "[One guy - OK, me] Oh man, this is exactly what black people must think white people do when they are alone in a car: Everyone drinking Starbucks and singing along with Chicago songs."

see below, sum is larger than parts....

{Haight and Cole on a sunday afternoon, grizzly gentle man approaches with a black-cock shaped water bottle missing a straw, the kind you might take home from a batchelorette party..there is a lit cigarette coming out of it}
"Hey!! Anyone wanna buy a cigarette holder? It looks like a mushroom. Hey!! My wife is in the hospital. Someone give me a dollar ninety eight to get that black bitch out!"

"Yo, this is the ILL lip butter holmes."

"My hair grows horizontally up."

"I'm going to go home and syringe my holes."

"i don't believe in reincarnation. but if it does exist, i'm fucked."

"What's wrong?" "I coughed and it hurt my anus."

My new haircuts' motto is "Bangs have more Fun"

"I'm a little intimidated by it. It makes you see polygons that talk to you and shit."

"His sperm count was amazing."

i'm sure it was umfufu, i'm sure it was...

I got mud butt son. I was scared if I farted I would shit on myself. I had 40 hot wings last night so I had to manpon it up son. MANPON SON, MANPON.

"pancake, pancake, pancake, pancake, pan, pa, pan, pa, pan, pan mother-fuckin cake"

said over megaphone

"The crotch of these jeans was entirely reconstructed."

"The best thing about this lunch is the straw."

re: yoshinoya

"If you are a gay man in San Francisco, your ass is your face."

re: a guy who died due to complications in an ass implant surgery

"Are you really upset about a 40 year-old in a wheel-chair? She has a fully operational battlestation."

"Once they're horizontal they're all the same."

"The problem is there's never a good time to cover yourself with oil, because then you are all oily."

"Why does it always smell like weed and ketchup in here?"

"I volunteer to barf on you."

"please stand up and die."

"He sings with an Irish accent." "He sings with a douche-cent."

"It's like heaven, only with boxes."

You have to get these things out there early: "I like porn... I jerk off..."

relationships

"I brought Dom Perignon and a 40."

umfufu ringing in the new year, in style...

"I sometimes wonder... if I died today... would my wife find the porn on my computer?"

"Hello my friend. Would you like to buy a carpet?"

"There are skyscrapers here and hookers and shrimp."