"my aunt wants me to be a normal lesbian, not a kinky lesbian"

"Brut: when men's colognes had names worth having"

"you can't go to new orleans with someone and not know about their shits"

"you know, the sound of two men hugging fiercely."

"I don't think we need three men groaning simutainiously."

"I was really inspired by Shrek, and so I got to thinking..."

"brownie: extreme edition"

"oooh, touch my turn-of-the-century vagina"

"they're on opposite sides of the spy line, but the same side of the bedroom"

re: the new pitt/jolie vehicle

"Can I expand upon the Oprah shit some more?"

"When it's chunky it can be abrasive on your colon."

"He flipped her over and started making out with her from the back."

I'm a big fan of "in natural casings"

"I HAVE HAD SEX BEFORE, YOU KNOW!"

more brilliance from James

"dude needs some fucking area rugs."

"if this model-T's a rockin', don't come a knockin'"

"Pizza, I hate the word, as I hate soup and all cabbages."

"Call me 'shuttlecock knowledge'."

"I'll sew your ass into oblivion."

"Herbal pills? Like... weed?"

"dude, sweet wookie planet"

"he put on sunglasses so no one would know he farted"

"i didn't even get any awakeness from those beans"

"I'm working on this little pocket of goodness."

"when i farted, we lost the picture"

re: the dish commercials

"That's a pretty good Smokey. But I did a better one last year at Vegas."

them's fightin' words at Lebowskifest West '05, re: my costume

"that's too much raft"

"you're like the man every girl dreams of"

this was ssaid tonight by a girl who then DIDNT make out with me. whats up with that?

"I've always wanted to... I'm not a furry... but..."

Lisa Y. about five minutes ago

"i'm gonna have a soda, there's nothing i can do about it"

"did anybody see me make out with that fat ugly chick?"

ahh... the calarts halloween party...

"whoa dude, is that all your throw up?" "no way man, i paid $30 for this pill. i'm keeping it down."

the frugal user.

"i think it's the wet lettuce theory"

"I'm just so sick of it. I'M JUST SO SICK OF THE HEROIN!"

RE: A different heroin addict crying out in front of Checker's Pizza, also on the streets of RISD

"MY BRAIN IS MADE OF ROBOT FOOOOOOD!!!"

RE: Heroin Boy crying out on the streets of RISD

"It didn't suck, but I still hated it."

Re: Ocean's 11

"you're a damascus"

"I'm almost all Welsh. And half German."

Re: James touting his ethnic pride.

"it's the oldest of schools"

"My favorite color is rainbow"

"That sounds like something I could get into."

Contemplating a night of Karaoke at the Holiday Inn - Burbank

"I drove my ass right through your center"

"they don't suck, they opened for Toad the Wet Sprocket!"

this statment was actually used by my girlfriend's little sister to justify why a band DIDN'T suck

"when i shower behind you sometimes it's not that hot, but it isn't a problem"

"if i had a nice rack and a pretty face i'd be unstoppable"

ruminating on what it'd be like if i was female

"turkey, wine, and a bong rip....HAPPY THANKSGIVING!"

"that minty freshness scares the shit out of me"

re: some kind of strong toothpaste

"don't suck my dick, solve the problem"

"i got veins, i can't help it"

"she's all broke up in the face-piece"

ben in response to isaac

"She's fair to moderatly hot."

speaking the truth.

"when the fuck is flag day?" "june 14th MOTHERFUCKER!"

from one roommate to another

"it's not even armor plated"

south african's take on the Hummer

"the best way to get kicked out is by showing up like an indian"

re: western bars

"i wanna go up, you can only be more dangerous"

re: ben's take on the "diving off the roof onto a slip-and-slide with a raft" situation

"the Japanese are the librarians of western culture"

"mmmm... Lou Diamond Philips..."

"even after the fart tape i'm still attracted to you"

"it's real but its 'fake' real"

"if you weren't so smart, i wouldn't be this drunk"

seriously, think about this for a couple seconds

"you gotta shit in this house just for the paper, it's like angels were kissing my ass"

"like the goo goo dolls, they're at the top of their game"

"no one can have milk AND a phone"

9/02

"jews are funny as hillel"

get it??? funny as "hi-ELL"

"God, this Pimpjuice is terrible."

"Telemundo's really coming up."

Re: their latest made-for-tv.

"she doesn't have any girlfriends, only ex-girlfriends"

2/05

"i'm really drunk, so i'm gonna tell you this genuinely"

3/05

"belgium is the delaware of europe"

11/04

"I don't know what we're doing tomorrow, but he made coleslaw!"

Regarding birthday activities

"It went white trash like that."

"when you collect money, you make money"

"well, doesn't someone know how to make themselves a nutritious little snack"

re: bryan k's meals

"ok so i didnt have mental sex, but i was definitely mind-fucked"

re: the latest crazy bitch i dated 3/8/05

"he like, lit some piece of paper on fire, and it turned into a hershey's kiss!"

this was re: a cook at a diner who moonlights as a magician 1/05

"bigger is always better, except in size"

7/6/00

"it's interesting the way you took the poo out of the cleavage"

actual statement from an art critique 10/16/00

"the other day, someone said something good"

7/9/01

"What would JFK do? You KNOW he'd tap that ass."

"dude, that dog is doing the cabbage patch"

5/20/05

"Dude, how cool do you think lasers are in a light scheme?"

"Fuck this noise, I'm a go buy some cupcakes."

"The sound bath is no longer cleansing."

Referring to activities at hippie parties.

"Man, If we wern't doing anything today I'd eat some chicken."